Sometimes it's hard to decide between what you THINK is right and what you FEEL is right

2006-10-24T22:39:00.000+08:00

October 24, 2006
9:05 PM

Why can it be easy? I’m having grudges that I don’t understand. Maybe I’m just vulnerable… No, erase that. I AM vulnerable. And I think people could almost relate to me one way or another. I don’t know what to do. The more I think, the more I hurt. The more I don’t think, the more I hurt. Whatever I choose, I’ll still lose. I’m supposed to be happy, not like one of those silly old girls pretending to be happy but deep inside they are suffering. Yeah, SUFFERING… I know that I don’t have the RIGHT to say, write, talk or even think about it but that’s what I’m feeling. It has been almost 5 years… 5 years of what you asked? 5 years of stupidity and blindness. Now I’m overreacting… Well, what can I say? I’m screwed! Yes, you may think of me as a very happy and contented person, which I can’t help but say I have the right to be and so everybody, but I’m not. I’m really not that kind of person. I am lucky to have so many blessings, which I am so grateful for, but still I want something I couldn’t have. Now you think I’m selfish. But tell me… give me one person who did not pass through this stage of his/her life. From the moment I said those “words” until now, I knew what lies before me. I knew it from the start. I knew that I will be talking and thinking about all of this sh*t all the time. It’s something I anticipated yet I’ve done nothing about it. I just expect… Yes, the ‘word’ comes out already. EXPECT. I don’t know how to make all of these easy so I just did the very stupid thing to do. I expected. I know that it will disappoint me sooner or later. But what did I do? I just sit here with all of my f*ck*ng dignity and wait. Wait. Wait. WAIT! For goodness sake…I’m STILL waiting here!! My pride is at its lowest now and all of my dignity is draining out and I’m still here. I have NOT moved on and I CAN’T move on. I’m writing this, not to release the pain, but only to lessen it. I’m hurting a lot of people right now and I know it. Does that make me a cold person now? Or maybe a person who DOES NOT CARE?? I CARE!!! That’s why I’m still here… I’m wearing a mask to hide all of what’s left of me. Can anybody see it? Can anybody see me? I know some… I can name one person… I don’t know the others. I’m a wreck now. It has been a long time and I can’t let go. I SHOULD let go. I keep telling that to myself. But, does it do me any good? Maybe… Honestly, somehow it made me feel better and feel rather stupid at the same time. Sometimes I asked why I am still hanging on? Why can’t I just accept the fact that everything the way I wanted it to be will not go according to plan. Yes, it’s easy to say it now, but its really hard to be done. I’m like in this cage that only one person has the key to it. Now I sound cheesy. But I don’t know how to describe it in a more perverse way. Tell me what to do now? I am deeply hurting and have no idea what to do next. Should I run? Hide? Face everything? Disguise? Lie? I don’t even know if he cares… Sometimes I just want to get all of these over and done with. But, unlike some, I’m not that strong enough. I don’t have the guts to face him. I always pray for something I really want to happen. The first time I did this was at my prom… then at my grad ball… then at my graduation. But, it did not happen. I’m tired… I’m tired yet I wouldn’t give up. I know I wouldn’t. I have a strong hold into something imaginary that keep attached with this. I shed a lot of tears already and I’m still going on with this. I have known all the facts of mine and his reality already and I’m still here. I’ve already turned down a lot of people whom I’ve hurt and I’m still here. I don’t want it anymore!! But I can’t just throw it away… Sometimes its hard to decide what you THINK is right for what you FEEL is right. I should be happy right? Not depressed like this? Tomorrow, I’ll face again the people whom always been there for me yet those people whom I can’t reveal my emotions with. I really sound silly now and I know I just kept repeating all of my words. I just can’t help it. I just can’t help to be this way. My self-esteem couldn’t be any lower than this. Well, even though this is the way it is, I’m still glad. Once I told my friend that I’m regretting or feeling sorry for having this feeling. But it’s not true. I’m glad to have this. I’m glad yet hurt. Isn’t it a balance? *sigh* It has been 1 hour already and I’m still not finish with this thing. I don’t even know what puts me on this? Anyway, to end this, I just want to say how wonderful all of what has happened despite of all the hidden outbreaks and emotions. I’m still happy right now though sad. How ironic isn’t it? Well… To sum it all up, it’s up to you. Only one advice… Don’t regret… It is something that anyone shouldn’t have. I don’t…

>alja

10:13 PM

Lebanon

2006-08-18T21:36:00.000+08:00

August 18, 2006 Friday
9:33 PM

I checked my e-mail as I usually do every week. But this time, it was different... I was strucked to see these pictures related to the happenings at Lebanon. At first, I couldn't explain what I felt... I feel shocked, horrified, disappointed and angry all at the same time. It is like I'm in one of those dreams that you wish that you would wake up and see the world as a beautiful place again. I'm completely astonished of the contents of the images that mirrors the sorrowful wounds of the people in Lebanon. I realized when I look deeper wthin these pictures, there wounds not only represents physically but also their emotional side. It is heart-wrenching and soul-twisting.

As Surreal My Life Seems...

2006-07-22T09:09:00.000+08:00

July 22, 2006 Saturday
9:15 AM

Heiah Guyz!!

Welcome to my blog... Hopefully you'll find my entrys interesting to your liking...

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